What's The Crime, Mr Wolf?

Prologue

The show opens with mysterious fairy-tale music as Deer and Rabbit appear on a darkened stage. Deer welcomes us to Fabletown and a world of suspended disbelief. Whilst she lights the stage and introduces us to a fairy-tale village in a forest, Rabbit acts as a fussy interior designer creating the setting and backdrops.

They are rudely interrupted by two groups of opposing and noisy protesters who walk on with placards ready to demonstrate outside the village courtroom. They discuss their pizza order for lunch and the carnivores taunt the herbivores about their eating habits.

The Wilderness News team arrive and make a live broadcast about the sensational trial of Mr Wolf, which is about to start. The protesters spring into action, chanting slogans and songs for and against Mr Wolf.

Scene One

We move to the courtroom which fills up with a selection of animals who make up the public gallery; four comical squirrels who are the clerks of the court, and the prosecuting counsel, Mr Hugh Mann and his assistant, Justin Case. Everyone stands for the first song 'All Rise' as the Judge, Lord Feathers of Eiderdown (an eagle), makes his stately entrance through the audience into the courtroom.

Mr Wolf enters the courtroom to hear the charges against him; he declares that he will conduct his own defence aided by his wife, Mrs Wolf.

Mr Mann calls his first witness for the prosecution, Mr Johnny Mole, a private investigator who fancies himself as James Bond, accompanied by his three agents: Basildon Bond, Brooke Bond and Premium Bond. In their song 'Mole' they boast of their espionage skills. Mole accuses Mr Wolf of terrorising the forest community and has evidence (from the Three Bears and also about the Gingerbread Man) which Mr Wolf discredits, asking how a creature known to have bad eyesight could be a reliable witness. Mole produces further evidence in the form of a tape which suddenly starts to self-destruct and 'explodes' on stage. The four spies limp off stage both shaken and stirred!

Scene Two

Mr Mann calls Red Riding Hood to give evidence. She saunters on stage with her three friends, full of attitude, more interested in her phone and social life than giving evidence. The four girls sing 'Red Riding Hood' as a girl band and tell the story of how Mr Wolf tricked Red Riding Hood and apparently ate her granny, who has disappeared.

Mr Wolf cross-examines Red Riding Hood, and questions the authenticity of a tiny doll's nightie produced as evidence of his impersonation of Granny. Suddenly new information comes to light and a further witness is brought into the court - it is Granny herself. Granny is alive and kicking...she is a young, fit martial arts instructor and was teaching on the day Red Riding Hood visited. She tells the court that her granddaughter had borrowed her iPhone and refused to return it, purposely visiting on a day she knew her Grandmother would be out. Mr Wolf confirms that Red Riding Hood had made the whole story up to avoid returning the iPhone and she is dismissed.

Scene Three

Mr Mann, getting very frustrated, calls his final witnesses, the Three Little Pigs. Accompanied by a Chorus, they dance 'Madness-style' on stage to their song 'Little Pigs' and sing of how Mr Wolf bullied them and destroyed their homes. Mr Wolf admits that he did destroy the Pigs' houses, because he was working for the Forest Planning Authority and the pigs did not have planning permission. A Notice of Demolition is presented as evidence and the planning inspector Mr Green is called to verify this in addition to the comical Sergeant Trunk, Constable Twig and police dog Bark from Special Branch, who attended on the day of demolition to keep the peace.

Mr Mann sums up for the prosecution, saying that Mr Wolf is just too clever for his own good in managing to discredit all the witnesses for the prosecution, but he is still a predator and a threat to everyone!

The court takes a break for lunch.

Scene Four

Outside the courtroom, the protesters sit down for their lunch joking about their food and Constable Twig takes Bark out for a walk. The news team and film crew appear again to give a live update on the proceedings, but Bark, growing very suspicious of the fluffy microphone, attacks it causing chaos. He then drags Constable Twig towards the protesters to befriend them and share their picnic lunch.

Scene Five

The court resumes and Mr Wolf begins his defence. He sings 'Top Of The Food Chain' with the squirrels and bug chorus of rappers, to explain that being a carnivore and a predator is what nature intended. Mr Case misses the point and believes Mr Wolf has admitted guilt, so in order to explain further, Mrs Wolf calls the Naturalists to give evidence for the defence.

Scene Six

Four naturalists bumble onto the stage and sing 'The Naturalists' Song' about their experiences and credentials. Mrs Wolf asks them to explain why the wolf is endangered, and they describe how the wolf has been driven out of its natural habitat into harsh environments and is struggling for survival. Unfortunately, they offend Mrs Wolf by referring to her as a "specimen" and she gets angry. Mr Case jumps at this opportunity, declaring her aggressive and unpredictable. After being told to sit down by the judge, Mr Case interrupts again, picking on words used by the naturalists and worrying the herbivores in the public gallery. The naturalists tell the court that wolves are misunderstood, and to explain further they call in Mr Wolf's whole family - much to the concern of the squirrels.

Three very cute wolf cubs run onto stage and hug their mum and dad, then with the chorus, they sing their sad and emotional song 'Misunderstood'. By the end of the song the public gallery are wiping their eyes, and the naturalists blowing their noses loudly; the cubs are escorted gently off stage by a squirrel.

Scene Seven

Mr Mann, furious that his case is collapsing, accuses Mr Wolf of using his own family for the sympathy vote. Mr Wolf responds by calling his final witness - Mr Hugh Mann himself!

Mr Mann protests to the judge and questions the legality of being used for Mr Wolf's defence. The judge consults a large book and finds several precedents (all relating to fairy-tale characters) which allows this.

Mr Mann reluctantly subjects himself to questioning by Mr Wolf, who begins by asking him what he has had for breakfast this morning. Mr Mann stalls, mumbles then has to admit that he had bacon, egg and sausages - the court are shocked! When Mr Mann has to admit that he eats meat, Mr Wolf tells him not to look ashamed as several other members of the court are meat eaters and the judge looks very uncomfortable.

Mr Wolf is asked to summarise his case for the defence and explains that all living creatures have to eat and it just so happens that nature placed wolves as well as humans at the top of the food chain. But why are wolves persecuted when humans are not?

The whole cast then come on stage and sing 'The Wildest Song'.

After the song, the judge addresses the audience - who are the jury - and asks them to decide the fate of Mr Wolf. The audience have Guilty/Not Guilty cards on their seats, which they are asked to hold up. The judge does a quick count and declares Mr Wolf 'Guilty' or 'Not Guilty'.

The script contains alternative endings for the commotion that ensues after the verdict is announced. It is quelled by the arrival of Deer and Rabbit who freeze the scene and ask the audience to think about any truths within the story. Rabbit begins redesigning the set and Deer hastily defrosts the cast for a reprise of 'The Wildest Song'.

Speaking Roles By Number Of Lines

N.B. In the following list, the number shows how many spoken lines each role has. An asterisk (*) before the character's name indicates that this character ALSO has solo or featured sung lines.

Suggested Cast List For 33 Actors

N.B. In the following list, the number shows how many spoken lines each role has. An asterisk (*) before the character's name indicates that this character ALSO has solo or featured sung lines.

In this condensed version, the Protesters and Public Gallery are played by the same characters: Fox 1 and 2; Bear 1 and 2; Duck 1 and 2; Pony 1 and 2. Red Riding Hood has only one friend (not three), so other members of the cast may be needed to support that part in the Red Riding Hood song. The General Chorus could be made up of Deer, Rabbit and the Protesters/Public Gallery. The Pig and Bug Chorus parts may be covered by available members of the cast.